feeling safe.

   Tonight, I was on a romantic movie kick. Before YOU, stuff like this never happened. I really wasn't into romantic movies whatsoever. Sure, I was in love with Pride & Prejudice, but I always avoided the cheesy, cliché ones. But here I am, watching a Nicholas Sparks movie (GIANT step here) and of course, day dreaming about our own love story.
   The movie happened to be Safe Haven, which is about as "romantic drama" as it gets. If you haven't guessed, the whole premise is that a pretty, mysterious lady has past problems and finds safety in a dashing father of two. {Spoiler alert, I know. Because it wasn't totally obvious..!} And... okay, it was cute.

   But then irony reared its freaky, ugly head. And a spider scurried across my room. I tried to kill it. And it disappeared. I have to wake up in 4 hours, and I am terrified of spiders. Good luck to me.
   THE POINT, however, is that whenever I get scared or worried, you're always the first one I think of and the one I go to. {Naturally, I called you, but you were asleep. ...I'll forgive you eventually. [Kidding. It's late and unlike me, you're not nocturnal.]}
   But in all seriousness, you're the only person I feel comfortable with. I can be completely vulnerable with you, sharing my most insecure feelings that I wouldn't want to tell anyone. You tell me I'm beautiful when I'm feeling the exact opposite. You consider it a victory when I don't wear makeup around you - and believe me, having blonde eyelashes and eyebrows, going without just a little something on my face is a big deal. You brush away any bad feelings I have about myself, and you make me feel like royalty. I mean, I am more fortunate than the richest person in the world because I have you.
   I don't deserve you. And for whatever reason, you still love me, and I consider that the biggest blessing.
   
   So when we're married, and I let out a shriek because a HUMONGOUS SPIDER JUST CRAWLED OUT OF HIDING... know that you're the one I know will protect me. And it's not just spiders. My insecurity, my fears, my past trust issues... you take away it all.
   I get what Mr. Sparks was writing about completely. Because you are my safe haven.

I love you so much.

Now come kill this spider please&thanks.

yours,

m.g.e.

   

nearness

   I don't think it's any kind of surprise to anyone when I say I thrive off the nearness of those I love. Tonight, I read an excerpt of my 8 year old self's diary to you. Evidently, not only was I severely ADD, but I really was so sensitive.
   I had written multiple accounts of being ignored or receiving attitude from my sisters. And it wasn't the kind where I walked into a room and immediately became the center of attention or constantly needed eyes on me. I just had this...thing... where I needed affirmation of love from the ones I loved, more often than most people probably do. {Maybe it was just the middle child syndrome or my love language.} 

   As I've gotten older, among my family and friends, I've become perfectly okay being the listener or the "quiet one". It comes with being an introvert. True story.
   But I can't deny the fact that this need for attention still thrives today - in a different way. Because there's you. It's like I become this different person. I constantly crave attention and need your eyes on me and oh, you went into another room? Hold on, I'll follow you.
   Sometimes I even get a little sassy because I just want life and plans to pause and just let us be together. Right, so that sounds like overly attached girlfriend. I promise that I do, in fact, encourage you having friends and a life. {In my defense, we spent a total of 3 weeks away from each other this summer. Just putting that out there.}
   And I guess I'm a little terrified of school starting for me, even though it's my senior year and I'm so close to the end, because that just means even more hectic-ness.
   I'm just... infatuated with you. Some things in life haven't been going exactly smooth, and now I really associate you with the one peaceful, non-difficult part of my life. Along with God, you're the one constant in my life that I can count on.
   If I come across as crazy, I merely hope what you take away from this is that you're a really good part of my life. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you. Even if, heaven forbid, we hadn't ended up dating or maybe took longer to confess our feelings, I'm still confident that you would be the biggest positive influence on me. Even on my worst days, when everything seems to be going wrong, I still persevere because of you. Because I know that our future holds so many incredible things.
   
   So cheers to you. And seriously, I realize that I become emotional and unreasonable and possessive way too easily - and I apologize. I'm working on my attitude {and if I get upset and don't tell you why, it's because I'm fully aware that I'm upset for a stupid reason, so I'm trying to essentially grow a pair and cool off}.
   None of this is to pressure you, but really: you are the reason for my smile and you have been really amazing at helping me become a better person. And due to these reasons, and many more, I just love the nearness of you.

And I love you.

yours,

m.g.e.

dreamin'.

   I mentioned this approximately 24 hours ago, but I just have to reiterate how excited I am to marry you, sweet soulmate.
   And I just love to daydream about you. {Spoiler alert: I do it a lot.} Whether I'm recalling those magical moments when we first fell in l - o - v - e to how spectacular our lives will be when we're united in sweet, rockin' holy matrimony. Ihavenoshame.
   Just every part of you is pure good. Yes, we've had our share of arguments. {If we hadn't, you'd have to have some kind of inhuman patience. You know how much of a temper I can get.} And I believe it's healthy to hash out problems. Because no relationship is perfect and that's okay. Though ours is pretty dang close. {Yep, I said it.}
   But what really makes me happy about us? We're both too smart to have taken "breaks", even during the "worse" arguments. And this isn't to pat myself on the back. I've said and done simply stupid things.
   The thing that makes us smart is that we know we can't make it without each other.
   It's human nature to stay near to what keeps you safe and happy, and, well, you make me feel more safe and happy than I could ever conceive.
   And, let's be real. If we took a break or whatever, I'd be an absolute wreck. Not only would I have no idea what to do with myself, but also the only person I'd want to talk to would be you. So, needless to say... I know we're going to keep our clean record.

   So yes. Daydreaming won't stop anytime soon. You're fantastic and I won't let you forget it.

Je t'aime, mon cher. {BOOM, there's that French. And no I didn't just call you actual Cher.}

yours,

m.g.e.

my eyes on your eyes, like Peter Pan up in the sky.

   The title of this post is incredibly relevant, believe it or not. I remember the night you invited me to hang out with you, your best friend, and a couple other people.
   If I remember correctly, it was the first time we officially hung out. I had been SO nervous about hanging out with you, because as is evident... I am an awkward person and you made me violently weak at the knees {in a good way}.
   But you convinced me and I'm glad you did. My sister and best friend fixed my hair, making sure I looked good for you, while "Tongue Tied" played on Pandora. It was perfection.
   And I'll admit, I was quiet most of the night, because I wanted to make a good impression in front of your best friend and, more importantly, you. You thought I didn't enjoy myself whatsoever, but I promise you I did.

   And look where we are now! YOU are my best friend, and I cannot get enough of you or your house. (; But seriously.
   We're roughly one month away from having dated for TWO YEARS. That's so crazy how time has flown. People have been asking us when we'd get married since, hmm, the moment we revealed we were dating... but I don't blame them.
   You are such a good part of my life. We just naturally came together and it feels like we've been together for my entire life. And don't get me wrong, I would wait a thousand years to marry you, and we're both aware that there's no pressing rush for that, but geez.
   I'm so excited for when that does happen. I can't wait to wake up and see your handsome face every day. You make me so happy and I know that we have so many more years of happiness to live together.
   I keep on daydreaming of our wedding, as well, and let me tell you - before you, I couldn't envision my wedding. I mean, Pinterest came along, and it was like, oh, that's something I like and maybe my wedding will look like that. But then you graciously entered my life and now I can SEE what things will absolutely look like, and that you'll be at the end of the aisle waiting for me, and ahhhh. Can't wait.
   I'll stop my spiel there. Point is: finding my soulmate has made so many dreams come true and I just love it.
   And I love you.

yours,
m.g.e.

speechless

   I'll never forget that incredible night when you poured out your feelings for me. We'd been best friends up until that point - we simply got each other. I could say something weird, and you'd completely understand what I meant.
   Of course, I was already in love with you at that point (and, I would find out later, you felt the exact same way), so I made every attempt to impress you. Being an incredible dork, and wanting to make you like me more, I called us "Best Friends Forever And Ever (BFFAE)".

   But then came a day that we didn't understand each other. And that went on for a few days (though it felt like an eternity). I couldn't express clearly enough that this misunderstanding was quite the opposite of how I felt.
   So, like any crazy person, I called you. My heart was absolutely racing. I thought I would die. And then I got sent to voicemail, and as my sister paused The Office episode playing in the background (where Jim confesses his love for Pam) and encouraged ((demanded)) that I leave a message, I took a dangerous step.

   As I recall, my message went a little something like, "Hey, so.. uh... I'm really sorry and this has been a huge misunderstanding... and um... I don't want to be fighting anymore.. because I... I really like you. In a big way. I don't know if you feel the same way, but I just.. wanted to let you know. So hopefully that uh, clears things up." [Add 10x more awkwardness and lots of nervous laughing and that's the gist of it.]
   Oh, the argument didn't end there. But it was a step towards something great.
   In September of 2012, you asked if you could come over so we could talk. You seemed to be in a much better mood than I had been (color me shocked). You told me you were taking me somewhere secret.
   We arrived at church, and I was surprised. Then you got out a blanket, and said that you remembered how much I talked about star gazing, so we could sit in the field (orrrr the drier parking lot) and do just that.
   And time stopped. You explained your side of the situation and explained you had been... jealous. You drew out the sentence that made my heart stop, but eventually, you said it:

"I'm in love with you."

   I honestly had no idea what to do with myself. ("Do I hug him? SHOULD WE KISS? Do I cry happy tears? Do I scream? Because I feel like screaming. I'll just-") 

"Hah. Well... ditto."

   And then I mentally slapped myself multiple times. Ditto?! That's the best I could come up with? THAT is what I'll have to tell our future kids?

   But you brushed past my awkwardness - accepted it, even. And you recovered the whole night by making incredibly romantic gestures and being a gentleman and just absolutely adorable.

   

   And you continue to be the non-awkward one in our duo - of which I am eternally grateful. So you conquered two things that night: 1) the inability of an awkward girl to end up with a gentleman and 2) the Friend Zone. So in all seriousness: congratulations to you. You're the best.

I love you.

yours,

m.g.e.

absence makes the heart grow fonder.

   It's what they all say. In some attempt to make you feel better about distance between you and a loved one, evidently it'll only make your love stronger.
   Okay, I'll bite. I'm sure there's truth to that statement.

   But it doesn't make the distance any easier.

   See, I can't stand time away from you. When you find someone who's that dear to your soul and literally makes you a better version of yourself, you generally need them around to continue your "you-ness". Does that even make sense? It does in my head.
   You've been gone for a week, and it'll be a week longer until you can come back to me. Honestly, it makes my heart ache. 
   
   I never figured I'd be that clingy girl who needed companionship constantly.
   But I think it goes so much further than clingy-ness. As I haphazardly tried to explain above, you make me feel like the truest form of myself that I've ever experienced. You bring out the best in me, because you're the best to me.

   So I guess... while I'm sure this absence between us is great for our hearts and all...

   I wish you'd come home to me, sweet soulmate. I know you wish the same. 
   I much prefer the nearness of you. I love you so much.

yours,
m.g.e.

oh, you make me smile.

   There are days when I'm feeling extra shy.
   Like I want peace and quiet, and me time.

   But those days never occur when you're around. If there's any doubt, I can just recall every time you have to leave, and I feel empty. Empty as if I'm no longer home, even when I am.
   Now, I try not to sound too clingy, but having said that, I guess my cover's blown.
   And if there was any reason to be clingy, any indication that this word describes me... it's because of you. There's nothing negative about it.

   I waited eighteen years to receive my first kiss, and I'm happy I did.

   "I'm not going to miss next time," - you claimed one night after kissing me on the forehead. I almost felt doubtful, because how could someone like you feel the same way I did about you?

   I'll admit I was shy at first. I was so desperately in love with you that I could barely handle my emotions when I was with you. You were so sweet that night - I knew you were going to kiss me, because I could see it in your eyes, and you knew that I knew. So I was nervous. The moment seemed so surreal.
   I took my dear, sweet time to get used to this new sensation in our relationship. But I can look back now and get butterflies just thinking about it.

   You've filled the past two years of my life with more happiness and positivity than I have ever felt before. I've had a relatively okay life, complete with ups, downs, and all-over-the-place's. But there has never been a more hopeful part of my life until you became a part of it.
   So yes. Every moment that I spend with you is a moment to be cherished, because there's no time where I feel like I should be without you. {Preferably, I could just be with you all the time, but I draw the line at stalking.}
   I love you dearly, sweet soulmate.

yours,
m.g.e.