nearness

   I don't think it's any kind of surprise to anyone when I say I thrive off the nearness of those I love. Tonight, I read an excerpt of my 8 year old self's diary to you. Evidently, not only was I severely ADD, but I really was so sensitive.
   I had written multiple accounts of being ignored or receiving attitude from my sisters. And it wasn't the kind where I walked into a room and immediately became the center of attention or constantly needed eyes on me. I just had this...thing... where I needed affirmation of love from the ones I loved, more often than most people probably do. {Maybe it was just the middle child syndrome or my love language.} 

   As I've gotten older, among my family and friends, I've become perfectly okay being the listener or the "quiet one". It comes with being an introvert. True story.
   But I can't deny the fact that this need for attention still thrives today - in a different way. Because there's you. It's like I become this different person. I constantly crave attention and need your eyes on me and oh, you went into another room? Hold on, I'll follow you.
   Sometimes I even get a little sassy because I just want life and plans to pause and just let us be together. Right, so that sounds like overly attached girlfriend. I promise that I do, in fact, encourage you having friends and a life. {In my defense, we spent a total of 3 weeks away from each other this summer. Just putting that out there.}
   And I guess I'm a little terrified of school starting for me, even though it's my senior year and I'm so close to the end, because that just means even more hectic-ness.
   I'm just... infatuated with you. Some things in life haven't been going exactly smooth, and now I really associate you with the one peaceful, non-difficult part of my life. Along with God, you're the one constant in my life that I can count on.
   If I come across as crazy, I merely hope what you take away from this is that you're a really good part of my life. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you. Even if, heaven forbid, we hadn't ended up dating or maybe took longer to confess our feelings, I'm still confident that you would be the biggest positive influence on me. Even on my worst days, when everything seems to be going wrong, I still persevere because of you. Because I know that our future holds so many incredible things.
   
   So cheers to you. And seriously, I realize that I become emotional and unreasonable and possessive way too easily - and I apologize. I'm working on my attitude {and if I get upset and don't tell you why, it's because I'm fully aware that I'm upset for a stupid reason, so I'm trying to essentially grow a pair and cool off}.
   None of this is to pressure you, but really: you are the reason for my smile and you have been really amazing at helping me become a better person. And due to these reasons, and many more, I just love the nearness of you.

And I love you.

yours,

m.g.e.