speechless

   I'll never forget that incredible night when you poured out your feelings for me. We'd been best friends up until that point - we simply got each other. I could say something weird, and you'd completely understand what I meant.
   Of course, I was already in love with you at that point (and, I would find out later, you felt the exact same way), so I made every attempt to impress you. Being an incredible dork, and wanting to make you like me more, I called us "Best Friends Forever And Ever (BFFAE)".

   But then came a day that we didn't understand each other. And that went on for a few days (though it felt like an eternity). I couldn't express clearly enough that this misunderstanding was quite the opposite of how I felt.
   So, like any crazy person, I called you. My heart was absolutely racing. I thought I would die. And then I got sent to voicemail, and as my sister paused The Office episode playing in the background (where Jim confesses his love for Pam) and encouraged ((demanded)) that I leave a message, I took a dangerous step.

   As I recall, my message went a little something like, "Hey, so.. uh... I'm really sorry and this has been a huge misunderstanding... and um... I don't want to be fighting anymore.. because I... I really like you. In a big way. I don't know if you feel the same way, but I just.. wanted to let you know. So hopefully that uh, clears things up." [Add 10x more awkwardness and lots of nervous laughing and that's the gist of it.]
   Oh, the argument didn't end there. But it was a step towards something great.
   In September of 2012, you asked if you could come over so we could talk. You seemed to be in a much better mood than I had been (color me shocked). You told me you were taking me somewhere secret.
   We arrived at church, and I was surprised. Then you got out a blanket, and said that you remembered how much I talked about star gazing, so we could sit in the field (orrrr the drier parking lot) and do just that.
   And time stopped. You explained your side of the situation and explained you had been... jealous. You drew out the sentence that made my heart stop, but eventually, you said it:

"I'm in love with you."

   I honestly had no idea what to do with myself. ("Do I hug him? SHOULD WE KISS? Do I cry happy tears? Do I scream? Because I feel like screaming. I'll just-") 

"Hah. Well... ditto."

   And then I mentally slapped myself multiple times. Ditto?! That's the best I could come up with? THAT is what I'll have to tell our future kids?

   But you brushed past my awkwardness - accepted it, even. And you recovered the whole night by making incredibly romantic gestures and being a gentleman and just absolutely adorable.

   

   And you continue to be the non-awkward one in our duo - of which I am eternally grateful. So you conquered two things that night: 1) the inability of an awkward girl to end up with a gentleman and 2) the Friend Zone. So in all seriousness: congratulations to you. You're the best.

I love you.

yours,

m.g.e.

absence makes the heart grow fonder.

   It's what they all say. In some attempt to make you feel better about distance between you and a loved one, evidently it'll only make your love stronger.
   Okay, I'll bite. I'm sure there's truth to that statement.

   But it doesn't make the distance any easier.

   See, I can't stand time away from you. When you find someone who's that dear to your soul and literally makes you a better version of yourself, you generally need them around to continue your "you-ness". Does that even make sense? It does in my head.
   You've been gone for a week, and it'll be a week longer until you can come back to me. Honestly, it makes my heart ache. 
   
   I never figured I'd be that clingy girl who needed companionship constantly.
   But I think it goes so much further than clingy-ness. As I haphazardly tried to explain above, you make me feel like the truest form of myself that I've ever experienced. You bring out the best in me, because you're the best to me.

   So I guess... while I'm sure this absence between us is great for our hearts and all...

   I wish you'd come home to me, sweet soulmate. I know you wish the same. 
   I much prefer the nearness of you. I love you so much.

yours,
m.g.e.

oh, you make me smile.

   There are days when I'm feeling extra shy.
   Like I want peace and quiet, and me time.

   But those days never occur when you're around. If there's any doubt, I can just recall every time you have to leave, and I feel empty. Empty as if I'm no longer home, even when I am.
   Now, I try not to sound too clingy, but having said that, I guess my cover's blown.
   And if there was any reason to be clingy, any indication that this word describes me... it's because of you. There's nothing negative about it.

   I waited eighteen years to receive my first kiss, and I'm happy I did.

   "I'm not going to miss next time," - you claimed one night after kissing me on the forehead. I almost felt doubtful, because how could someone like you feel the same way I did about you?

   I'll admit I was shy at first. I was so desperately in love with you that I could barely handle my emotions when I was with you. You were so sweet that night - I knew you were going to kiss me, because I could see it in your eyes, and you knew that I knew. So I was nervous. The moment seemed so surreal.
   I took my dear, sweet time to get used to this new sensation in our relationship. But I can look back now and get butterflies just thinking about it.

   You've filled the past two years of my life with more happiness and positivity than I have ever felt before. I've had a relatively okay life, complete with ups, downs, and all-over-the-place's. But there has never been a more hopeful part of my life until you became a part of it.
   So yes. Every moment that I spend with you is a moment to be cherished, because there's no time where I feel like I should be without you. {Preferably, I could just be with you all the time, but I draw the line at stalking.}
   I love you dearly, sweet soulmate.

yours,
m.g.e.
 
 

you are, you are the love of my life.

   My admiration for you didn't start like normal "crushes" used to.

   I had given up everything to God, because my heart wasn't ready for another break.

   It was weird, then, that when I asked God to give me a peace about you, that I never stopped getting butterflies around you. You didn't have to say a word. It's even appropriate to use the word "swooning" in this situation.

   You read that right. I swooned. Weak at the knees. At a loss for words. Stomach in knots. The works.

   
   So what about you was so captivating?  
   The fact you were (ARE) the man of my dreams?
   Let's elaborate. (In present time, because you're still all of these things.) 

• You play soccer, 
• you're getting your degree in order to support a family (!), 
• you have the style of a true gentleman, 
• your hair is perfectly wavy, 
• your smell that could even overpower the rotten bamboo under the stairs, 
• your love for The Office, 
• the way you look like Jim Halpert (which is a perfect match to my Pam Beasley personality type - ISFJ's unite), 
• your laugh,
• your baby blue eyes,
• (this sounds creepy but bear with me) your perfect skin,
• you play all types of guitars,
• the way I could perfectly picture how well your fingers would fit between mine,
• your bright smile,
• your love for Jesus...

   I could go on. Especially if it wasn't 3:50 in the AM. But you keep me restless in the happiest of ways.

   You had me enchanted before we even talked to each other.
   So I guess you could say I've been captivated for a while.

<3

   
yours,
m.g.e.
   

accepting & finding.

   Having observed multiple successful and unsuccessful relationships, I discovered early on in life that if I wanted my own true, serious relationship, I had to have the future in mind. 
   It was absolutely necessary to consider the outcome of a (romantic) relationship I wanted to pursue. If I couldn't see myself marrying a guy, I wouldn't pursue him.

   However.
   The problem that I faced was the fact that I had no clue what my own future would look like. So how on earth would it be possible to try to sketch out the details?
   I quickly learned to wait. Be patient and let time and God eventually reveal my future to me. That was always the worst step, because patience has never been one of my strengths.

   Even more difficult: before I could expect to find love, I had to learn how to understand myself. Finding love, without figuring one's own life out first, can lead to problems.
   For me, I had to learn how to accept that I am not defined by my relationship status (but would ideally find a person to make who I am a better "me"); accept that love isn't a Disney movie; accept that I don't have to be in a relationship to be happy (but that ideal person would make me even happier); and accept myself.
   
   In light of St. Valentine's Day, I have seen too many girls (and boys) worry about their relationship status. But everyone forgets that it doesn't have to be about just a significant other. It can be about loving on family, friends, and ourselves.
   When I learned to accept this, I stopped searching so desperately. You, sweet soulmate, came along, and everything slowed down. It was beautiful - I was at peace. Then it was all a matter of patience. I focused on merely being happy with who I was, while a tender feeling (called love) softened my heart. 

   I realized I couldn't let go of you, my dear. I started out happy, and ended up happy... to be in love with you. Finding my soulmate was completely worth the wait. I can see my future clearly now, and I know it's because I'm meant to be with you, and you with me, for the rest of our lives.

   Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

yours,
m.g.e.

hope.

   It's the little things.

I barely knew you, & I was almost certain you didn't feel about me the way I felt about you. (Why should you? You barely knew me, but if you could read my mind, you'd probably think I was crazy.)

We had just started working together at the zoo in the beginning of 2012. I knew I'd fallen head over heels for you well before then.

& boy, you did (& still do) these little things that drove me crazy.

• the way you sat back in your chair at work & cupped your chin in your hand - oh, how I longed for you to say something. Anything.
• the little smirk you got when I said something in order to get a chuckle out of you. I'd do anything to see you smile.
• your scent was intoxicating. You could just walk by & I'd subtly take a deep breath of air because, I swear, the scent of your cologne & your warmth brought life into me.
• the way we could go a whole work day without talking - until the last ten minutes, where you would say the most interesting things. You left me wanting more. I get it.
• the way you moved: it was as if you were on autopilot, with no intention of being in any type of hurry. You had been at the zoo for long enough already, so you seemed constantly bored, but you did your work efficiently.
• your little "mhm"'s that you'd give me, that clearly meant "that was an awful joke you just made..."
• the way you would change into a v-neck before you left work. Somehow you knew that was a weakness of mine, & I don't mind that you used it to your advantage.
• you used your hands so expressively when explaining a concept to a costumer, yet at the same time, everything was so rehearsed for you. You'd heard every question under the sun.
• the way you teased me about losing millions of games of Solitaire. Somedays, I secretly hoped you would scoot closer & show me a card I'd "forgotten" to match.

There was a time I lost hope about you ever having feelings for me. You were clearly out of my league & I almost gave up.

But those little things kept popping up, & I couldn't deny how much I'd fallen for you, dearest soulmate. 

You are my perfection.

yours,
m.g.e.

butterflies.

You know the feeling.

It feels like you’re going to be sick, because your stomach is restlessly doing somersaults. & jumping jacks. & back flips.

Those kind of butterflies. 

But you don’t mind.

Because when you see that person walk into the room - heck, when you hear that that person is going to walk into the room, your heart speeds up. A smile crosses your face, but you try to keep your composure, because that person is here. Now’s not the time to lose the dignity you’d been grasping onto so dearly.

Then those butterflies just get out of control, & your hands start to sweat. Why is that even a thing?

But those butterflies. All he could say is “hey!”, & you feel like you’re going to pass out.

Your brain sends out signals to your stomach for the fight-or-flight system, which lets you decide if you need to do something, or stay here. According to a Yahoo! question/answer (how effective!), you might note, your brain’s telling your stomach to stop digesting, because decisions need to be made.

So when you get butterflies, do you “fight” or “flight”?

Well… you feel a *little* flighty ((like a butterfly…?)). You feel speechless and, at the same time, like yelling your emotions to the world. 

But you don’t choose to run or fight. You feel like the world has slowed down, as your butterflies create turmoil in your stomach. How can one person do this to you? 

But you don’t mind. You never will. Because it’s beautiful.

& you give me those feelings, dearest soulmate. It is beautiful.

yours,
m.g.e.